Being a woman in my late thirties, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Despite a happy life, I’ve battled very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and doubting myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and work life. It annoys my close ones and workmates, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.
Speaking in Public and Questioning
This constant saying sorry is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing setbacks from established male academics. I’ve also tried taking a moment before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I return to old habits.
Self-Acceptance
I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that counseling might benefit me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.
Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a burden on others.
Understanding the Roots
A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, early ways that once helped us become maladaptive in adulthood.
In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as self-defeating. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you continue it.
The Role of Therapy
When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will kindly probe you, offering a secure environment to explore and embrace who you are.
Instead of facing fears head-on, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you judge, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.
Useful Strategies
Changing long-standing behaviors is hard, especially in anxious times when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by reflecting on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or vulnerability, by acknowledging perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and anxiety.
Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try taking a breath before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel heard without you taking accountability.
This approach will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward change.
